Flying solo on parenting… let’s be honest here, our story would not be as unique or rare if I were parenting Joshua and Jonathan while spearheading DMD as a married woman. Through being involved with many Muscular dystrophy groups and the community in general, I realized that the scope of the single parent demographic is extremely small. I have not been able to find a DMD group in the U.S. larger than 4,000 people (which ONLY 85 of those people are single parents). I’m sure there is so much more to account for in calculating those participants, but as of right now it seems about right.
How would I define “single parenting?” It is someone who raises children and makes decisions for the betterment of those children without consistent help from the other parent. If I’m not able to rely on the ex-spouse, but needing to depend on the community of family and friends that stand by me. This is either short term or long term, but either way the support on a daily basis is a huge difference.
I’ve been flying solo for 11 years now. 7 of those years I realized Jonathan had special needs, the last 5 years he received a diagnosis and assistance for ADHD, and the last 3 years were finding out about Muscular dystrophy.
Being a single parent is hard enough, add in a special needs child and you easily live in a whirlwind on a daily basis. For us we are in a transitional period of Jonathan’s muscular dystrophy, where he still has some ability to walk and uses a walker, but also needs help with daily activities like bathing and walking up and down stairs. He needs help with his chores too, but I’m beginning to think he’s too smart for his britches and workin’ the system. HA! So, my day does not end with coming home from work and going straight to bed. There is no such thing as handing over the baby to my spouse to get quiet time; asking the spouse to prepare dinner or work with your child on homework. IF I were on day shift, a whole slew of events occur before I could even think about going to bed. Downtime is rare and usually becomes an opportunity to be productive or get ahead for the next day: Lunch or dinner preparations, laundry, or appointments scheduled. And when I finally make it to the comfort of my bed, I fall asleep within minutes of laying my head down at night.
There’s something about being a single parent that says we “MUST ACT NOW! We know that if we do not speak-up, stand-up and fight for what’s ours in the name of our kids then we will be passed up. It happens. Details frequently fall between the cracks, at least for me they did, and still do. I worked long hours and came out sweaty, grimy and fatigued. Because of these reasons and the constant juggle, details got lost. I couldn’t tell you how many missed phone calls and text messages from family or friends that I had, or emails from teachers. The expectations I had and wanted for myself as a married woman would no longer be the same now that I was a single parent. I saw this deficit every day, every week and month that I fell short as a mother. I so desired to put my boys to bed every night in the comfort of their own bed; drop them off to school instead of taking the bus, or showing up to sports practices and music recitals. Instead compromises were made because I did not have a choice.
You know what? Sometimes I cannot choose the circumstances and my kids could not choose being born in to this way of life, but all I can really do is fight when I need to; rest when I must, and have faith when I have no control over situations.
MURMURS OF THE HEART:
My revelation, thoughts, self-discovery, or insight from that still small voice.
Don’t sell yourself short. Flying solo knowing what you’re doing is better than giving up your captain’s chair to someone with absolutely NO idea because you don’t want to struggle.
Money is just money. It comes and goes, and can be gained and lossed in a matter of minutes, but what you cannot buy back is time. Your time with your children is precious. Shut your phone off and spend some UNDIVIDED time with them.
It’s ok to NOT be productive. Yes, it is ok to be unproductive sometimes. I’m not at all saying to forget your priorities and responsibilities long term, but give yourself some quiet time to rest. Single parenting is definitely a marathon, not a race. Doing that sink full of dishes at midnight when you have to go to work early the next morning isn’t really going help you all that much. Rest up and make it up the next day.
It happens. The biggest thing is GRACE. I needed lots of grace for myself and extending it to others. I will not ever be a perfect mom, and I will forget things: appointments, items on the grocery list, to clean that one shirt for the next day, to defrost that meat for dinner or whatever it is. But, I am also pulling the work load for two, so an imperfect day is ok. It happens. I pray that God will fill the gaps of my needs because He has been more than enough.
(IMAGE: Tami’s First Solo on 10/06/05)
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